Real Simple = Really Stupid

Every once in a little while I'll buy myself a copy of Real Simple magazine and sit down and fantasize about how organized I can buy myself. 

I also really like some of their suggestions for new uses for old things. Maybe 50% of them are realistic, but some of them are really good.

Not in December. December's issue of Real Simple was flat out crap. Here's a smattering of their ideas for new uses for old things - particularly centered around giving up old vices in the new year: 

Quitting smoking? Clean out your ashtray and use it for a soy sauce and chopstick holder.

Yeah, as if those cards aren't going to come
flying out and make those pretty color
coded pencils scatter.

I don't even have words for the feeling this creates in the back of my throat. Are they kidding? Did someone at Real Simple sandbag it last month? Not only is that disgusting, but I don't think it would be helpful to someone trying to quit smoking to look at an ashtray with chopsticks in it.

There were also several ideas for re-using playing cards and a poker chip carousel to organize your post gambling life pencils. Or use a beer can as a noisemaker on New Year's Eve. Yeah, because if I'm sobering up, an empty can with some change in it to make noise is going to help me stay that way. 

I'm so glad they suggested this.
Unfortunately it didn't have the same effect
with an empty bottle of gin. 

Pair this with Health Magazine's re-hashed, over-used, non-realistic methods to lose weight (No dieting! No exercising! Eat cardboard!) and Oprah's extravagant and unrealistic "tiny" splurges and you've got a good reason to take a five year sabbatical from any lifestyle magazine. 

The funny thing is, I can't even find an image for the chopstick ashtray holder on line now. One has to think someone woke up from their drug-induced haze and thought, "yikes, that went to print? I was just kidding."

 At least I hope that's what happened. 

Build me one of them there viral videos you make...

Just because you want it to be viral, doesn't mean it will be. Viral marketing is something that can not be manufactured. Viral marketing sometimes fails. Viral marketing is a learning experience that can contain amazing surprises.

To build a viral campaign you have to pass certain tests with your audience.

Is it engaging?
Is it authentic?
Is it different (not necessarily unique - but different)
Is it worth sharing?
Is it entertaining or does it evoke an emotion?
Will it influence a decision?

And you can't just ask yourself. I think I make a damn fine baked chicken. My daughter, however, takes one bite and pretends to vomit in her milk. You are not your target market. After all, you already have your own product or service.

So before you ask for a viral video - ask yourself what your intentions are. To make money? That might not be the right motivation. To share the world's best idea/product/service with people who will think it's amazing? There ya go.

Why is it that...

I profess to be not very religious and yet a whole bunch of my posts are about church?
WTF?

Surprise gifts

So tonight I went to my pastor Fritz's exit interview at church. I thought I was just invited very casually and I came with the expectation of quietly observing and maybe contributing a story now and then.

The surprise part was that our council president had mentioned it in passing, thinking Fritz had talked to me, and didn't explain (at least in my recollection) that I was to actually facilitate the meeting.

After the panic wore off, I set to business, establishing a few group norms and trying to make everyone feel welcome and respected. It really wasn't difficult, it was a solid group of involved supporters, ranging in their 20's to late 70's.

Talk about a beautiful and cathartic evening of reliving memories dear to many of us, heartbreak over deaths of church members, stories of Fritz's support through good and bad. There was as much laughter as there were tears and Fritz and Gretchen were wonderful, funny and touching.

Shortly we will begin the process of getting over Fritz. Pastor Sue, our interim, takes over shortly and will help us through this time of both loss and rebirth. A wise friend (Mel!) told me that we will need a "long interim." She knows that of which she speaks. An interim minister is kind of like a rebound you don't sleep with.

My memories of Fritz as my pastor will remain strong. He welcomed me to Hope UCC. He counseled Doug and I before we were married and through what felt like surely the most insurmountable crisis of our relationship, when an infidelity of a family member rocked our naive little world right before we married. He told me to grow up, get over it, move on.

He married us, he blessed our first home. He baptized our children. He ate Taco Bell with me on a semi regular basis and reinforced in me a spirituality that I have yet to be able to define, much less articulate.

He always told the truth, in a gracious and compassionate manner that disarmed my defenses. He opened up about his own flaws, to make others feel they could too. Fritz has been a guiding light, even when I did not know that I was lost.

Of course I feel like I will be lost again without his familiarity, his stinky jokes and his goofy sense of humor that prompted many a comment from my family members who, at different times thought he was "smoking something." fritz was the imperfect, and conversely perfect spiritual leader for my life at a time when I needed it.

So I will start thinking, and put out the hope that our little congregation finds someone with all sorts of new, great qualities. I'm not the same girl that walked through Hope UCC'S doors in 1994. And maybe it istime to find the person with the energy and capacity to take Hope to the next level. I hope to move to the next level as well. Maybe. It's not really for me to say.

But I will miss the Tacos.

The Power of the Lime Green Door

Today I was wandering the halls of my office and stumbled across Aaron Saylor - looking a little lost and carrying a package. For me.

He saw a few posts about my door and my neighbor Pam's blog about her bright yellow door and her inspiration to go bright as well. And he brought me a children's book called "The Big Orange Splot" by Daniel Manus Pinkwater.

The book details the travails of Mr. Plumbean, who lived on a "neat street," where all the houses look the same. A seagull flying over with a can of orange paint (nobody knows why) dropped said paint on the roof of Mr. Plumbean's house, leaving a Big. Orange. Splot. (Again, nobody knows why.)

Time went by and Mr. Plumbean left the orange splot on his roof. Under pressure to paint his house, Mr. Plumbean did - in a jungle themed explosion of bright wonderfulness. The neighbors begged and pleaded with him and still, he refused to repaint a nice matching cozy color.

"My house is me and I am it," he states. "My house is where I like to be and it looks like all my dreams." They sent a neighbor to reason with him.

Soon, other neighbors start painting and constructing and soon, the street is colorful and fun, and everyone, one by one, begins to live in homes that resemble their dreams.

But the power of the Lime Green Door is not about getting people to add a little color in their lives. It is a little about living the way you want to and to make your dreams more closely resemble your life.

But mostly it's about the kindness of someone I don't know very well stopping by my office with a present that made me feel better - right after a really crappy moment. Nice timing.

I have gotten to know a couple more of my neighbors because people aren't afraid to stop by and tell me they love - or hate - my Lime Green Door. And I have had someone tell me it's a tad too bright - and that's ok too. Because maybe they dream of soft and soothing colors. But I'll never personally tone my color down for anyone else's comfort level. Just ask my husband.

My dreams are bright and bold. My friends are bright and bold too - the old and the new. And if I see a few more brightly colored doors pop up in the neighborhood, I will march right up and tell them how lovely it is.

Thank you Aaron, for the lovely book. It colored my day orange!

Musings on the Sabbath (but not written until Monday)

Sunday really redeemed (pardon the pun) the weekend for me. Saturday I was pissed at the kids and the husband all day as I swear they walked behind me undoing everything, spilling stuff and in general, deliberately trying to undermine my apparent fragile mental health.

Yes, I was a moody drama queen this weekend.

Sunday honestly wasn’t looking much better. I needed to get up and make four dozen cookies for Friendship duties at church, make myself presentable to be an usher/greeter, make sure my kids didn’t look like orphans and drink as much coffee as I could before services.

Oh, and it was Communion Sunday. I hate Communion and I couldn’t even fake a trip to the bathroom because I was an usher. Nor could I pass on the bread and grape juice as I had to stand up at the altar. Damn.

But surprisingly, baking cookies was a little therapeutic. And Doug ran the girls to Sunday School, giving me a few minutes of peace. Sometimes, when I’m feeling a little over the edge, something like that can make the difference.

Church was interesting – I almost never raise my hand for prayer requests, but I did this Sunday – asking for prayers for a friend’s loss. I was feeling a little judgmental as the other prayer requests came in and apparently people were using it as “sharing time.” Geez people, just the facts, I don’t need to know every freaking detail of your back surgery. But there I go again – one of my biggest weak spots right there, in church, as a glaring example of why I needed to be there that day.

As I asked for silent forgiveness for my short-sightedness with the world, my lack of patience, my judgmental attitudes and my all around shortcomings, I also asked for strength to overcome these very things, and peace settled over me.

I’m pretty iffy on religion, but I know that when I concentrate on prayer, I can make changes in myself. Maybe it’s just an ability to focus, or maybe it’s the gentle hand of God on my back giving me a push now and then. I’m ok with not knowing either way and using this as an effective tool in life. I rarely ask for much more than strength and I always try to offer my thanks, and it’s amazing to me how that helps me bring things back into the perspective I need to move forward.

The kids were great at church – going up to usher with us, helping get the coffee and cookies ready and clean up afterward. Grace dried dishes for 30 minutes straight in the kitchen with June Witwer – who she doesn’t even know while Anna ferried dirty cups in and wiped tables. And gratitude for my family began to creep in – along with no small measure of pride.
I listened to a little griping from one of the “church ladies” and didn’t allow myself to participate – even tried to defuse it a little, but church ladies will be church ladies, you know?

The rest of the day was filled with sun and gardening, two of the other components of mind-altering activities that recharge me for the coming week and keep me tolerable as a human being.

So I did observe the Sabbath, as Fritz talks about. I observed it by putting together a rain barrel, picnicking with my kids in the yard, weeding, mulching, powerwashing the driveway and the cars (until my powerwasher caught on fire) and I couldn’t feel more rested.

Monday? Bring it.

Taking the Christ out of Christmas

You hear a lot about this during this time of year - how commercialism has killed Christmas and "Jesus is the reason for the Season" and "you can take the Christ out of Christmas but you can't take it out of me - post this as your status.."


I'm just going to throw this out there, but as Christians, if people want to commercialize Christmas, it's their business. Not anyone else's. It's not our place to judge anyone.


And being a borderline Christian myself, I'm kind of for it. I look at it this way - when people find their holiday cheer - regardless of how they feel about Christ's birth - who are we to begrudge them? And if they're a little grumpy in the stores or on the streets on the way, who are we to say they don't have Christ's love in their hearts? Maybe they don't. Maybe they have something more important to them personally as the cornerstone of their faith. This nation is not singularly Christian. But we do, as a nation, recognize the season and there is no law on the books that says it has to be Christ that you honor.

The Holidays, as hectic as they are and as anxiety-wrought as they can be, often bring people together and make many people as happy as it makes some miserable. I have to believe, in my cobbled together, comfortable-as-my-old-jeans spirituality, that time spent together results in positive feelings, increased love for one another and benefits humanity as a whole.


As for the idea of Christmas presents being over done, what's wrong with showing a little love through gifts? I search and search for the right thing for my mother every year. It's a process, but one that pays off when I find the right thing that makes her eyes light up. Same with my kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the joy that Christmas brings children and adults alike. You can make the argument that kids are spoiled, but really, what's it to anyone else, anyway?

We're an increasingly secular nation - and I believe that's ok. Everyone's spirituality or lack thereof is a private matter. Just as those who wish to testify or evangelize have the right, those who wish to keep their faith quiet or private has a right to as well. They shouldn't be criticized for putting ornaments on their tree that have nothing to do with Christmas or going Griswold on their house just because they love to light up the neighborhood. It doesn't make their spirituality less or more than mine, yours or anyone else's.

I sat through a long boring sermon once where I felt I was being lectured and judged for including secular elements in my celebration of the holidays, and what I am trying to say is that however you feel about the holidays, it's fine. Do what makes your heart happy and concentrate on your own spirit. Don't worry about anyone else's.



Happy everything, and let there be peace on earth!

When did I become Mrs. Neumann and why do I like it?

I cherish a lot of things in my life - too many to list and pretty typical anyway, but one thing I've really started to cherish is my marriage.

I don't know if it's because too many friends have split up of late, or what the cause is, but I find myself holding Doug's hand a little tighter these days and I even like being called "Mrs. Neumann" by my kids friends at school - something that used to nearly turn my stomach. It just felt... old and boring. So my mother-in-law.

Well, now I'm older and definitely more boring and I'll take it. I will take my life, that seems unexciting to some, and I will hold onto it with everything I've got.

After all, the kids will be gone before I know it - even though that is at least 10 years away - we all know they start moving into their own lives before they go. My company is great, and probably what I'll do for the rest of my career, but my chin doesn't fit just right into the crook of its neck before I go to sleep at night.

My career and my kids don't know the inside jokes about our families, our sex life and our favorite movies. My career and kids will never test the strength of a counter and waggle their eyebrows at me like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

My kids and my career, which I remind you, I do love and am incredibly grateful for, don't bring me the comfort at the end of the day, the week, the year that Doug instinctively knows how to give with the way he squeezes my hand or the supportive touch to the small of my back that tells me he's there and he gets it.

So yes, please call me Mrs. Neumann if you like. That's me.